Trying and Failing
by smartylover
Summary: Between Second Sight and Bogieman, Samantha comes to realsise a few things. MS


Title: Trying and Failing  
Author: Caitlin  
Ratings/Warnings: R- Sexual content  
A/N: between Second Sight and The Bogie Man

Samantha pushed open the door of the shop, heading over to the table where Rebecca sat.

"Hi" Rebecca looked up, she truly had not expected to see the blond agent again, not after they had found Agnes, her surprise was evident in her tone. .

"Agent Spade."

"I just wanted to make sure that you heard about Agnes" The excuse was a weak one and they both knew it. Still Rebecca played along.

"Yeah. A gypsy. Huh. Who knew?" Samantha chuckled at that and then looked down. She didn't even know why she was here, it was stupid.

'You could have just called me." As Rebecca said that Samantha inwardly cringed, was she that transparent? Even now after all she had been through to build up the walls of stone around her heart sand soul people could still see the real her, underneath it all.

"Yeah. The thing is, I was, um ... well, I was thinking about all of those things that you said, and, uh ... I should probably go." She was mumbling and stalling. Worse of all they both knew it. Samantha turned to leave before she totally crumbled.

"Would you like a reading?" Yeah she really was that transparent apparently. 

"Yeah. Yeah, I would." Samantha's response was quick so that she wouldn't change her mind. This was something she had to do.

"Okay."

Sweaty palms, butterflies in her stomach and shifty eyes. Samantha was nervous, she wasn't going to deny it. This woman was going to tell her future! God did she even want to know?

'As I mentioned before, your sick friend is causing you to question things you never thought that you would question. The fragility of life. You love him. Do you know that?" Samantha didn't respond to Rebecca who held her hand between both of hers. Of course she knew, deep down in the murky depths of her heart she thought to be long dead she knew. Nobody had meant more to her than martin. The way he smelt, the way he looked, how he held her in his arms late at night. How he made her feel. She knew how could she not? God she felt so stupid.

"But you're losing him. He isn't feeling the same way he used to...you and him….what is his name?"

Samantha stalled. To say his name would make it real. Make him real. How could she ignore him though? He was an intelligent and smart person, and the most caring soul. Ignoring him was like ignoring a saint amongst men.

"Martin." Her voice was soft, barely above a whisper.

"Martin" Rebecca repeated his beautiful name and Samantha wanted to scream "You're relationship with him is cloudy. It is up to you to make it clear again. It all depends on you."

Depended on her? Samantha barely knew how she was meant to act let alone how she was supposed to make martin happy again. She wanted to, god she wanted to.

"How?"

"Acknowledge him now, or lose him forever." Rebecca's words hit a nerve.

Had she really ignored him? She had refused to tell the people that were important to them, and then when they had found out she had treated him like shit, but still she was attentive to him when they were alone. Samantha knew that that wasn't good enough for Martin though, he wanted the full package, a full-time girlfriend, someone to hold his hand in public and kiss him when he needed comfort. She knew that he was growing sick of her though, tired of the constant abuse or worse of being ignored.

Every time she had acknowledged anyone though they had always left. Every time she had loved someone they had left, to acknowledge Martin as her weakness left her open as a target, she had to be stone.

"I…can't"

"Then you have already lost him" The words were final, resolute and bleak. But so true.

As she lay curled up against Martin that night Samantha thought over what Rebecca had said. She listened to his heart beat in his chest but they were both so tense. Despite the physical closeness they shared, they were miles apart. The emotional distance was overwhelming, the silence deafening. 

"Martin?"

"Hmm?" His voice no longer held the sweetness that it used to when he spoke to Samantha, now it was bored and fed-up.

Hearing the finality in his voice Samantha didn't know what to say. Words had never been Samantha's strong suit. Instead she leaned up and kissed him, pressing her body close to his, tying to show him with sugar lips what candied words would not say.

Even as his hands grasped at her clothing, ran through her hair and over her body Samantha knew that he knew that this was the end of the line, no return ticket. Their last time. At least for this chapter of their lives.

She slid his shirt form his shoulders, kissing the exposed skin. Tonight was his night, some form of thank you for all he had done for her. A tiny gift for the lifetime of change she had received. Samantha's hand down his chest, feeling the strong and toned muscles that had drawn her in all those months ago but she couldn't meet his eyes, those big pretty eyes. She knew that would be her undoing.

So instead she stayed focused on the task a hand, pleasuring Martin. As she took his cocking her hands she heard his breath hitch.

"Sam…?" his body was responding just how she wanted, even if his mind was having doubts.

"Ssh, just relax!" she soothed in a husky voice, their eyes meeting for the first time all night.

Samantha ran her fingers along his penis before wrapping her full lips around him, swirling her tongue around his tip and moving her lips up and down on him in the imitation of sex. Martin's hands wound into her long blond hair, keeping her closet o him.

Sex was something that Samantha had always been good at, a way she could communicate but that wasn't enough anymore. Feeling Martin tense in she moved away, finishing him off with her hands allowing him the release he craved.

Later on that night as they moved together Samantha could see the anger and pain in his eyes as he gripped at her hips feeling him pulling her closer, moving inside her all night long. They called each other's names as they came, before lying spent against ach other.

Martin stroked Samantha's hair as it pooled over his chest and she listened to the thumping of his heart. They slept tight against each other, knowing it would be the last time.

Martin was sitting at the conference table reading a file when Samantha saw him. Taking a deep breath she headed over to join him. She had awoken that morning to find that Martin had already left for work, leaving only a note in his wake. She felt his absence keenly, and knew she had to at least try to keep him. It was time for her to make the effort.

"Hey" Thankfully her nerves didn't show in her calm voice as she stepped up to the table, holding up the brown paper bag for him to see "Brought you a bagel"  
"Ah, thank you" Watching him take the package and just set it aside Samantha felt her steely nerves jangle once more.

"Listen, I was thinking about your cousin's wedding, and um ... I  
would like to go. I mean, I'm a little nervous to meet your family, obviously,  
but I think you're right. I think it's time" while her words were mumbled and stammering she felt confident that she had gotten her point across. She didn't want to lose him, she was willing to fight to keep him. 

"I already booked my flight" The way he said that rattled her even more, maybe she had waited to long, but no, she couldn't just give up. Fight Spade, fight!

"Oh, well, I-I ..." Samantha's nerves were shot though, she couldn't say what she knew she had too.

"Actually, that's not true. I didn't, but I'm going to. I'm going to go by myself." The calm and final way he was saying this shocked Samantha. It was as if he was just reading out a newspaper article of something equally mundane.

"Is something wrong?" Samantha asked though she knew the answer. She was wrong, she no longer fit the bill of Martin's ideal woman. 

"No, I just ... I don't want to do this anymore." Samantha's mind was in a jumble, she couldn't believe that he was actually breaking up with her at work that was below the belt. She knew there was trouble brewing between them and had tried her best to avoid it but she couldn't believe that he was going to break up with her at work.

"What?"

"I'm just tired of playing games. And, frankly, I'm not interested in  
waiting around while you figure out your problems."

"My problems. So, what are you saying? We're done? I mean, we're  
done?"

"Well, not just like that, but yeah. I am." Whoa. She may have been prepared for the break up but not here and certainly not in such a harsh manner. Her problems? What the hell was that all about? Samantha was stunned and she could hardly concentrate as Jack came up to them, briefing them on the case. Her mind was a blur as Jack told her she was heading upstate with him before leaving her lone with Martin again.

Feeling like she should say something to him, anything she stayed a beat longer, looking at him but found her voice failed her. Martin looked up at her but didn't say anything, just looked at her. She couldn't believe that this was the same Martin who only last night had held her against his body as they slept. 

Unable to handle it anymore she turned on her heel and followed Jack out of the bullpen, turning back only once to flash yet another wounded look at her lover. Former lover.

Then it came, one more kick in the stomach.

"I don't know what's going on between you two but keep it out the office!" Jack's gruff voice was the final reprimand and Samantha felt like crumbling but of course she would not.

Despite the regret she felt, the hurt and pain coursing through her veins she would not let her weakness show.

Too late she had realised her mistakes.


End file.
